Saying Goodbye

September 16, 2014

Yesterday, 9/15/2014, Mom passed away at 4 00 am. My sister called me, asking that I come to the Hospice House.

I had released Mom to the Lord, I was not going to hold on to her and hold her back while in agony. She was basically alert most of the week she was in the Hospice House and am sure she did not want to stay here as long as she was in the helpless state she was in in the bed. Many times, death is welcomed.

There will be no services, no memorials, nothing. We will take Mom’s ashes down to the lake to let the wind carry them across the water. She wanted to be in FL very much. My sister had hoped we could all do down there and let them drift across the ocean, but since some of us will not be able to, she felt the next best thing would be the lake, even though Mom did not like it there at all. But, she is no longer here on earth, so it really does not matter.

The four of us (siblings) left to each go our separate ways to our homes except one brother and he went on to work. My siblings are all married with families to comfort them. I took my sister home to her husband, then went to the peace and comfort of my own home, to my three precious little dogs and sweet cat. They are such a sweet, sweet comfort to me, so special. I can cry my heart out and they patiently wait for me to finish, no rush.

Friends called, came by, such dear friends, I am so blessed. I am able to cry with them, vent, question and laugh with them. We all need people in our lives like that, people who understand us and will not condemn us or put us down when we explain we want to live by God‘s ways. Sometimes, I don’t understand things, just don’t understand why; but, I can be sure they will explain in a Godly way why; and, then how to react.

My sister called me last night a little after 8 00 pm inviting me to eat with them and stay the night. I had already eaten, was so exhausted, said I was heading to bed shortly. I asked if her daughter and son-n-love were there, she said yes, so, I told her I was glad she wasn’t alone. She said she did not want me to be alone, either. I was too tired to feel alone. Laid down on the sofa to watch television and fell asleep, woke up a little after 12 00 and went to bed, slept all night. I was exhausted.

I think we are having a cook out at one brother’s home, the other brother has a son visiting from TX and will be leaving Saturday. I don’t know the details of the get together, yet.

Well, I am now “mommy-less”, no more Ci-Ci’s Pizza dinners, she loved going there. I think I knew the last time we went, that would be the last time. We went to Hobby Lobby after and she bought a sheet of stain glass, it was interesting watching how she picked it out, looking on both sides.

I really, really want to move back to the Gulf Coast of Florida, now I can do that without feeling any guilt of leaving her behind, oh how shed loved it there.

She called me once, asking if I ever thought of just getting in the car, start driving and not stopping until I got there. Told her “all the time, but have no money for it”. She was feeling very insecure about where she was, it was so had watching and hearing that and at the same time not giving my sister “all” the details of Mom’s fears. Really felt in the middle and helpless.

Now, we will go through all this again with one brother’s Stage 4 lung cancer, same thing Mom died of. He thinks he has about 12 - 18 months left, I don’t think so. It won’t be as difficult, he has really kept his distance relationship-wise from the rest of us. We shall see how this goes, hopefully, not painful. I do love him and will miss him.

My family is shrinking to fast!